Taking the first step forward

What is it that enables some people to reach goals, and not others?  How are we all so different, yet very similar at the same time?  When will we stop comparing ourselves to others and realize that our journey is just that.....OUR journey, and not anyone else's?

It's been almost 6 years since I started a new journey to extreme weight loss, health, physical wellness, and emotional wellness.  I had been through my own share of yo-yo diets, fitness failures, binge eating, and actually trying to test out Bulimia out of intrigue - wondering how Bulimia victims were able to gain control of their eating when I had failed over and over and over again.  I also became so desperate for a "quick fix" that I gained weight on purpose so that I could talk to physicians about weight loss surgery.  I didn't want to get surgery, but I saw no other way because I couldn't control my eating by myself.  Food had become a source of comfort, and for someone who knew nothing about what chemicals, additives and preservatives did to my body, I used food as an escape.  Yet, food was one of the things that were causing me the most harm.

We have all felt that moment of desperation, despair, and fear.  How on Earth am I going to get this under control?  What is going to finally be the final straw?  WHEN WILL I STOP FAILING??  If this is you, please hear me when I say I know exactly how you feel.  I saw all of the success stories in magazines, TV shows and the never-ending online stories of people who had conquered their addiction to bad eating and unhealthy habits.  Many of them gave me hope, to see that regular people just like me had been able to conquer this big battle.  Some of them just made me frustrated because it seemed they had endless resources like personal trainers, nutritionists, special medical doctors, etc. Many of us "normal" people don't have these resources.

I'm not here to say my journey has been easy, because for those of you that know me personally you can attest to the fact that my world has been turned upside down and inside out over the last 6 years.  I've found, and lost, many people close to me as a result of the journey.  It has included saying goodbye to people and environments that were toxic, unsupportive, and detrimental to my emotional and physical wellbeing.  I've gone through sexual harassment, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, PTSD, divorce, chronic illness, and fear. However, I am here standing on two feet to tell you that it has all been worth it.  Without the struggles, without facing what was unhealthy in my life, I would not be where I am today.  I truly believe that we are only given challenges in life that will make us stronger in the end.

The unknown is one of the hardest parts of what your journey will be.  How long will it take?  How many times will I have to "try again"?  How much weight will I lose (if weight loss is your goal)? Will I finally find internal happiness?  Will my loved ones support me in my next decision?  Will my support team still be there?  Will my kid(s) be proud of me?  Will I feel whole? **ALL of these questions are important to face, and not avoid.  We can trick ourself into thinking everything is rainbows and sunshine, but I think being real with ourselves is more important.  If you want to truly change.....whatever that looks like for you...then you have to take a chance on yourself.  For the last time, and for the final time.

When the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change, miracles will happen!

If you are tired of the roller coaster, then it's time to make a decision to take the first step forward in a new journey.  There are no do-overs, and there is no more yo-yo effect.  You take one day at a time, one step forward at a time.  If you fail this hour, you keep pushing forward the next hour. No longer do you write off the entire day because you failed at breakfast and ate the donut in the break room at work.  NO.....you suck it up, admit you made a mistake, and the next move is yours to make.  You drink your water, you eat the lunch you packed, and you take that walk to end your break.  One-step-at-a-time is all it takes.  Is it fast?  Heck no.  BUT IT LASTS.  We will never reach the next goal in your journey without admitting you are human, you make mistakes, but you are strong enough to keep moving!

Your next step is to start your plan, and share it with others.  This is essential to keeping you on track.  The more people in your circle of support you have will increase your resources.  Please let me know how I can help you on your journey.  You can do this and it's time to take the first step forward.

The "Short Story" of the Journey

As I begin the process of reaching people who need an example of someone who has been in their shoes, I thought it would be important to provide a little glimpse into what has brought me to where I am today.  Instead of catching you up on 32 years of life, I'll give you the "short" version.

Life at 265lbs:  I spent my entire life overweight, and was a music kid instead of an active one.  I envied those around me who were athletic, more beautiful, and more popular than I was.  I was the girl whose classmates cheated off of her homework because she got 100 in chemistry and was the envy of the clarinet section always sitting in 1st chair.  I poured my heart into my music, and it was a way to escape the pain I felt inside because of how I really felt about myself.  My dedication to music caused me to lose the ability to play my senior year, as I lost feeling and strength in both of my hands.  I was unable to pursue the dream I had to become a professional clarinetist, and wasn't quite sure where to turn. What was I going to be when  grew up now?  What does this all mean?

After leaving a very unhealthy relationship, I began my next relationship with the man who would become my husband.  I waited until age 24 to go to school, and worked full time while going to school full time.  Oh, and I decided being pregnant at the same time would be a good idea :).  Our beautiful daughter, Kaylee, was born when I was 24. She turned our world upside down, and brought so many blessings that it's impossible to count.  However, she was a high-needs medical child for many of her first years of life due to weak lungs at birth and an terrible RSV infection before age 1.

I went to school online and obtained by BS in Criminal Justice, graduating with a 3.92 GPA from Kaplan University. I had a dream of being in law enforcement, with the ultimate goal of being a Homicide Investigator.  However, I was full of self consciousness, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, and I had panic attacks when I went out in public because I was so ashamed of how unhealthy I had become.

Enter CrossFit:  At 265lbs on my 5'0" frame, there was no way I could become a police officer.  This is where CrossFit changed it all for me.  I walked into the doors of CrossFit X in Bellingham, WA (www.crossfitx.com) and my world began to look different.  I was faced with the choice of staying the same, or listening to my coaches every day and putting in the work.  The weight began to come off quickly for the first couple of years.  I began to learn about what food was doing to my body, and how nutritional choices impacted my workouts.  Because of CrossFit I was able to pass the Physical Ability Test for the Bellingham Police Department.  My dream was coming true, and I was only a few places away from making the cut for oral board interviews.  While all of this was a dream come true, and I had finally made it.....it was overshadowed by the realization that my partner and I were not on the same page anymore.  Many many dark and sad moments will have taken place over the next few years, and ultimately our marriage had to end in divorce.  It was the hardest decision of my entire life, but I knew that I needed to be the example for my daughter, and many more before and after me.

PTSD and DV recovery:  Not only were there things from the past few years that created a kind of sadness I never hope to have anyone experience, it also opened the door to me falling into a sexual harassment situation in the workplace.  I am always the hardest worker on my team, and someone who takes enormous pride in her work and hopes to always be the shining example of loyalty and dedication in my workplace.  The positive changes within myself on the inside (confidence, happiness) and the outside (I no longer was a size 26, but closer to a size 12 by this time) made me a vulnerable target without me realizing it until it was too late.  This was all in the midst of my divorce, at a time where I was weak and sad, and felt rejected, unloved, unneeded, and undesired.

It has taken me almost 3 years to be able to talk about it without being affected or triggered anymore due to a lot of hard work with my amazing therapist.  There are still wounds to be healed as a result of years of abuse in different forms and at different levels, but we are all a work in progress at some point.  Aren't we?  There's always something to work on within ourselves and it's important to not be ashamed of where we come from.  I wore scars of shame for so many years, for things I didn't cause, but was a victim to.  I spent a long time thinking I could have done something different in each situation to produce a different outcome, but that wasn't the case.  My huge heart and care for others caused me to forget the most important person to protect - myself.  It's ok to talk about, and it's ok to recognize.  What's not ok is to NOT tell someone, and I hope that those who need to see this today recognize that.

Health challenges:  Now to the fun part.....just kidding.  Some of you know of the recent health challenges I've faced this year.  Part of becoming healthier and more fit includes becoming more aware of your body.  There comes a time when your body literally tells you what it needs, when it needs it, and when something is just very very wrong.  Not only did my 23-year hypothyroidism turn into an auto-immune disease of Ord's Thyroiditis, but I have developed a weakened esophagus which causes food and liquids to not go down properly.  The esophagus issues are very closely related to Achalasia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Achalasia) , and my specialist believes it will eventually develop into classic Achalasia.  Until then, we have to continue to trial various medications that have some nasty side effects.  It's a waiting game, and what feels like a gamble sometimes.  However, I'm not giving up and I am thankful for the team I have on my side.  Some days can be very scary but I try to make light of it and that helps.

This is me, and part of what has become of my journey.  These are the pieces that form who I am today, what I stand for, and the truth about where I am at.  I have so many things in life to be thankful for, and I'm humbled daily at how God continues to bless me.  I have a healthy beautiful little 8-year old girl who literally has the biggest heart in the world; and I have life's absolute Prince Charming in my life now who still gives me butterflies with each hug and kiss.  I have friends back home in Texas that I wouldn't trade for anything, and I adore my family and those who are slowly becoming family. What I go through each day mentally, emotionally, and physically can bring me down sometimes, but what picks me up are the people in my life who are there for a reason.  My Crossfit family saved my life and health from what was destined to be very short and sad.  I have the chance to give back by coaching new athletes, and reaching out to people who might be in the same situation I was in.  We're all in this world together, so don't be afraid to reach out and share your story too.  It just might help someone who needs the courage to share theirs as well.

"Do what you love, and love what you do"

We have all seen the phrase "Do what you love, and love what you do" to some extent.  This is something many of us reach to when we feel in a "rut" or that we are not reaching our full potential.  But to fully embrace this phrase is not only intimidating and scary, but somewhat exhausting.

I have a dream in my heart that has been very strong over the last year.  This is something that is very important to me, and just a part of who I have become.  My desire is to help everyone realize the strength inside them that they need to change the pieces of their life that need to be changed. Whether it's an unhealthy relationship with food, facing the fear of jumping into a new opportunity with both feet, or starting down their own journey to health or fitness...everyone has something about their life that they want to improve.

I've spent the last [almost] 6 years rediscovering who I am, what is important to me, and what I hope to leave this world when I am no longer here.  It has brought me to happy and sad tears, moments of exhilaration and absolute terror, and through life changing relationship adjustments.  What has come of all of this is the realization that life is so much bigger than we originally realize when we are younger, and that what we used to think was important is just a blip on the radar now.  My priorities in life are to be the very best mother to the blessing God gave me 8 years ago, and to be true to myself so that one day I can be the best partner to someone who deserves it.  I hope to inspire others to change their life for the better, and embrace who they are inside.

Although my journey started as a way to become healthier in pursuit of a career change, what has become of the last 6 years is something that words cannot even come close to describing.  This is my journey, and it won't look the same as yours.  However, we have a lot more in common than you probably realize, and I promise to be your biggest supporter as you discover what your journey will be.  I promise to be real, raw, and make no apologies for words that come from my heart.

Tiger Stripes Earned is a dream of mine that is starting to form out of a piece of me that has been ever-changing.  The literal piece of "Tiger Stripes Earned" refers to pounds and inches of stretch marks and forever loose skin that has come as a result of losing over 140 pounds on my journey.  The emotional piece of "Tiger Stripes Earned" is much more. It's accepting who I have become now, being ashamed of nothing, and embracing every aspect of the journey.  I won't hide behind the skin, the scars, or the lines.  I will use them to tell the story of how I got to where I am now, and to help you realize that the outside tells a story just as much as the inside does.

I hope to design up www.tigerstripesearned.com and have resources available to people in the form of blogs, videos, testimonials, recipes, etc that will help you understand what making a lifestyle change is all about.  I want this to be a place that people come to see REAL people making REAL change to better their lives. We are only given one life....let's make sure we are reaching our potential!