The "Short Story" of the Journey

As I begin the process of reaching people who need an example of someone who has been in their shoes, I thought it would be important to provide a little glimpse into what has brought me to where I am today.  Instead of catching you up on 32 years of life, I'll give you the "short" version.

Life at 265lbs:  I spent my entire life overweight, and was a music kid instead of an active one.  I envied those around me who were athletic, more beautiful, and more popular than I was.  I was the girl whose classmates cheated off of her homework because she got 100 in chemistry and was the envy of the clarinet section always sitting in 1st chair.  I poured my heart into my music, and it was a way to escape the pain I felt inside because of how I really felt about myself.  My dedication to music caused me to lose the ability to play my senior year, as I lost feeling and strength in both of my hands.  I was unable to pursue the dream I had to become a professional clarinetist, and wasn't quite sure where to turn. What was I going to be when  grew up now?  What does this all mean?

After leaving a very unhealthy relationship, I began my next relationship with the man who would become my husband.  I waited until age 24 to go to school, and worked full time while going to school full time.  Oh, and I decided being pregnant at the same time would be a good idea :).  Our beautiful daughter, Kaylee, was born when I was 24. She turned our world upside down, and brought so many blessings that it's impossible to count.  However, she was a high-needs medical child for many of her first years of life due to weak lungs at birth and an terrible RSV infection before age 1.

I went to school online and obtained by BS in Criminal Justice, graduating with a 3.92 GPA from Kaplan University. I had a dream of being in law enforcement, with the ultimate goal of being a Homicide Investigator.  However, I was full of self consciousness, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, and I had panic attacks when I went out in public because I was so ashamed of how unhealthy I had become.

Enter CrossFit:  At 265lbs on my 5'0" frame, there was no way I could become a police officer.  This is where CrossFit changed it all for me.  I walked into the doors of CrossFit X in Bellingham, WA (www.crossfitx.com) and my world began to look different.  I was faced with the choice of staying the same, or listening to my coaches every day and putting in the work.  The weight began to come off quickly for the first couple of years.  I began to learn about what food was doing to my body, and how nutritional choices impacted my workouts.  Because of CrossFit I was able to pass the Physical Ability Test for the Bellingham Police Department.  My dream was coming true, and I was only a few places away from making the cut for oral board interviews.  While all of this was a dream come true, and I had finally made it.....it was overshadowed by the realization that my partner and I were not on the same page anymore.  Many many dark and sad moments will have taken place over the next few years, and ultimately our marriage had to end in divorce.  It was the hardest decision of my entire life, but I knew that I needed to be the example for my daughter, and many more before and after me.

PTSD and DV recovery:  Not only were there things from the past few years that created a kind of sadness I never hope to have anyone experience, it also opened the door to me falling into a sexual harassment situation in the workplace.  I am always the hardest worker on my team, and someone who takes enormous pride in her work and hopes to always be the shining example of loyalty and dedication in my workplace.  The positive changes within myself on the inside (confidence, happiness) and the outside (I no longer was a size 26, but closer to a size 12 by this time) made me a vulnerable target without me realizing it until it was too late.  This was all in the midst of my divorce, at a time where I was weak and sad, and felt rejected, unloved, unneeded, and undesired.

It has taken me almost 3 years to be able to talk about it without being affected or triggered anymore due to a lot of hard work with my amazing therapist.  There are still wounds to be healed as a result of years of abuse in different forms and at different levels, but we are all a work in progress at some point.  Aren't we?  There's always something to work on within ourselves and it's important to not be ashamed of where we come from.  I wore scars of shame for so many years, for things I didn't cause, but was a victim to.  I spent a long time thinking I could have done something different in each situation to produce a different outcome, but that wasn't the case.  My huge heart and care for others caused me to forget the most important person to protect - myself.  It's ok to talk about, and it's ok to recognize.  What's not ok is to NOT tell someone, and I hope that those who need to see this today recognize that.

Health challenges:  Now to the fun part.....just kidding.  Some of you know of the recent health challenges I've faced this year.  Part of becoming healthier and more fit includes becoming more aware of your body.  There comes a time when your body literally tells you what it needs, when it needs it, and when something is just very very wrong.  Not only did my 23-year hypothyroidism turn into an auto-immune disease of Ord's Thyroiditis, but I have developed a weakened esophagus which causes food and liquids to not go down properly.  The esophagus issues are very closely related to Achalasia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Achalasia) , and my specialist believes it will eventually develop into classic Achalasia.  Until then, we have to continue to trial various medications that have some nasty side effects.  It's a waiting game, and what feels like a gamble sometimes.  However, I'm not giving up and I am thankful for the team I have on my side.  Some days can be very scary but I try to make light of it and that helps.

This is me, and part of what has become of my journey.  These are the pieces that form who I am today, what I stand for, and the truth about where I am at.  I have so many things in life to be thankful for, and I'm humbled daily at how God continues to bless me.  I have a healthy beautiful little 8-year old girl who literally has the biggest heart in the world; and I have life's absolute Prince Charming in my life now who still gives me butterflies with each hug and kiss.  I have friends back home in Texas that I wouldn't trade for anything, and I adore my family and those who are slowly becoming family. What I go through each day mentally, emotionally, and physically can bring me down sometimes, but what picks me up are the people in my life who are there for a reason.  My Crossfit family saved my life and health from what was destined to be very short and sad.  I have the chance to give back by coaching new athletes, and reaching out to people who might be in the same situation I was in.  We're all in this world together, so don't be afraid to reach out and share your story too.  It just might help someone who needs the courage to share theirs as well.