I'm always a supporter of the idea that there are many "seasons" in life that come and go at times we don't expect. Some of the seasons bring lots of joy, happiness and inspiration. Other seasons bring struggle, fear and uncertainty.
There have been so many wonderful blessings each week due to the people in my life - friends, family, my little girl, and the man who has my heart. I've come to realize that every day is a gift, and we shouldn't take it for granted. When we get a moment to relax, be present, and observe the small wonders around us it has a profound impact on our well-being.
As much as I try to stay positive, optimistic, helpful, encouraging and the like....this "season" has been a struggle. My health has decided to play roulette so to speak. I never know what each day is going to feel like, and I just *hope* it's one of those days that will be good, full of energy, and positive. The esophageal dismotility has increased, which means that swallowing food and liquid hurt and don't work almost every time something goes into my mouth. For the last year as my medical team and I have uncovered what is going on, the symptoms have progressively gotten worse. I've trialed about 6 different medications this year and have found just one that provides small relief. The pain from the spasms has increased as well, and often leaves me curled up into a ball until it stops. I've learned to cope with all this, I try to ignore it when it happens, but some days I just want to stand up and say "Man, this seriously SUCKS and I just want to feel better."
I've had to take a break from training because I have gotten to the point where I am no longer able to intake as much food as I was for training. I have basically forced myself to eat/drink my prescribed amount of macros (protein/carbs/fat) each day, which was very painful and became such a source of stress that I had to take a step back and re-evaluate. Many people with my condition become malnourished, and I'm keeping a close eye on my weight each day to make sure that doesn't happen. However, I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't worried about it a little. My body has adapted to be an athlete over the last few years, and to feel the muscles decrease, the energy deplete, and changes happen really sucks. I do believe this is a season, but I also believe it's going to stick around for a while until we can possibly have some surgery remedies to get better.
I miss my gym, I miss my community, I miss coaching. Those are things that FEED MY SOUL, and it's been a rough few weeks. I have hidden behind it because I don't want anyone to be put out because of the struggles. I don't want to ask for help, I don't want to admit I need help, and I don't want to acknowledge my body is sick. However....I'm beginning to lose connection to what I believe is a huge purpose of mine and that is encouraging others to reach their goals and dreams.
When we are faced with a hurdle in life, we have two choices - back away from it and hide, or press forward with everything we have because what is on the other side of that hurdle is our purpose, our joy, our dreams. When I chose to change my health for the rest of my life 6 years ago, and when I decided to become a coach 1 year ago, I was faced with uncertainty and things I couldn't control. It was HARD, but I wouldn't change a thing. It made me stronger inside so that I could help other people in the same situation as me that were scared to start their journey.
For the last few weeks I've felt like my journey was changing, and my heart was sad. Why do I have to be sick, why does this have to be so hard? What I've come to realize, and be reminded of, is that this is just a chapter in my journey book. The journey is not what it is without times of struggle and uncertainty. We can't give up, we can't loose the dream. We have to fight through it and lean on those who support us.
Thank you to everyone who just lets me keep it real, honest, and raw. Yes, it's been a hard few weeks (basically month), full of uncertainty. But I don't want to hide away, I want to just face it head on and do what i can each day. In the gym I may be slow, I may go light, but I'm there for me, for you, and for those who are too afraid to try. At home I may be tired, sluggish, and a little frustrated but I will continue to do my best each day to be a good mom, partner and friend. We all have our seasons, but we must recognize what's happening during those seasons so we can get to the other side.
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